Signs

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Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: 
PLEASE REMOVE ALL  YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

Sign in a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE 
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

Outside a farm: 
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF 

In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND 
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

On a church door: 
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.  (THIS DOOR 
IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.  PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) 

English sign in a German cafe: 
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING 

Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY 
NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince 
of Wales: 
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED 
AFTER BEING OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW 

Outside a photographer's studio: 
OUT TO LUNCH:  IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO 

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: 
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. 

Outside a disco: 
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE WELCOME 

Sign warning of quicksand: 
QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.  BY 
ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL 

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: 
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE 
MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO 
THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER 

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: 
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS 
WILL BE  DISPOSED OF 

Sign on motorway garage: 
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT 
BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 

Notice in a field: 
 THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE 
BULL CHARGES 

Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET 
LESSONS 

Sign on a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE 
BELL DOESN'T WORK) 

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 

Sign in a Japanese hotel: 
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS 

Sign in Egyptian hotel: 
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM 
SERVICE!" 

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: 
"Don't sleep with a drip; call your plumber."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

At A Dry Cleaner's:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, 
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take 
appropriate action."

At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "

At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill payment.  However, 
if you don't you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." 

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