***
"In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?" 
"Er, yes." 
  -- Channel 4 News 
***
A beginning is the end of something, always. 
  -- Spider Robinson, "Satan's Children" 
***
A mineral matter of various composition, when engaged in periodical 
revolutions, exhibits no tendency to accumulate any bryophytes of the 
class Musci. 
***
A trainstation is where a train stops. 
A bus station is where a bus stops. 
I have a workstation in the office. 
***
America -- you're an unfriendly waitress with bad cappuccino 
  -- The Foremen, "Black", _What's Left_ 
***
An end is the beginning of something, always. 
  -- Spider Robinson, "Satan's Children" 
***
And he went on, and there was yellow light, and fire within; 
and the evening meal was ready, and he was expected. 
And Rose drew him in, and set him in his chair, and put 
little Elanor upon his lap. 
He drew a deep breath.  'Well, I'm back,' he said 
  -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of The King" 
***
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 
  -- Richard Bach 
***
I am capable of what every other human is capable of. 
  -- Maya Angelou 
***
I know now what I'm made of 
skin and bones, muscle and blood 
I know now what road I'm on 
I'm a vagabond on the streets of love 
  -- "Streets of Love", Kevin Welch, _A Thing Called Love_ 
***
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the multinational corporations 
and to the profit for which they stand, one interlocking directorate 
under no government, indivisible, with monopoly and cheap labor for all. 
  -- U. Utah Phillips, "Stupid's Pledge" 
***
I pledge allegiance to the brands of the Coca-Cola States of America 
and to the Burger King for which it stands one Nike under greed with 
liberty and justice for Bill Gates. 
  -- t-shirt 
***
I'm sorry, you've just run out of pixels. Please enter your credit card 
number to order more. 
***
If we go, go insane 
We can all go together 
In this wild, wanton world 
We can all break down forever... 
  -- "D.W. Suite", Lindsey Buckingham (Northern Exposure, "Spring Break") 
***
If you will pardon my candor, I might remark that you are something of an ass. 
  -- John Clayton, Lord Greystoke, "Tarzan of the Apes" 
***
In 1672 I was born Abigail Neville 
The daughter of a Salem goodwife who was dealin' with the Devil 
And at her trial the council frowned suspiciously at me 
But I proved innocent and drowned in 1693 
  -- The Foremen, "Song of Many Deaths", _Folk Heroes_ 
***
It's hard to write foolproof software because there are so many fools, 
and they are very inventive. 
***
Management Principle #148. Avoid the Impossible 
  -- Alan M. Davis, "201 Principles of Software Development" 
***
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back. 
  -- Turkish proverb 
***
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes 
off of your goal. 
  --  Hannah Moore 
***
Och lad I don't know where you been, 
  but I see you won First Prize! 
  -- "The Scotsman", Mike Cross 
***
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly 
making exciting discoveries. 
  -- A.A. Milne 
***
Programming today is a race between Software Engineers 
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, 
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. 
So far, the Universe is winning. 
  -- Rich Cook 
***
Still, being female is often a comical proposition in this world, 
and being a Texas feminist is a particularly oxymoronic vocation. 
  -- Molly Ivins 
***
THE FIVE STAGES OF COMPUTER GAME DEVELOPMENT 
1. Wild Enthusiasm 
2. Fear of Impending Doom 
3. Search for the Guilty 
4. Persecution of the Innocent 
5. Rewards for the Undeserving 
***
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' 
  -- Isaac Asimov 
***
This isn't Flying...It's Falling With Style 
  -- Toy Story 
***
To have half the kids at or above the median 
certainly is more positive than other indicators 
  -- Joan Herman, National Center for Research 
  on Evaluation, Standards and Student Testing 
***
We don't expect kittens to fight wildcats and win -- 
   We just expect them to try. 
  -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Starship Troopers" 
***
We plan ahead, that way we don't do anything right now. 
  -- Kevin Bacon, "Tremors" 
***
We were flirting with the waitresses and drinking like fish. 
  -- Dr. Johnny Wilson 
***
Well that Earth Goddess program on Channel 3 went national. 
Iran and Iraq became one country called Irrational. 
Every commuter in Greater Los Angeles learned how to ride the Bus, 
And the rich folks said "Please, tax the sh*t out of Us"... 
  -- The Foremen, "Hell Froze Over Today", _Folk Heroes_ 
***
When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I don't deal drugs. 
When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I'm innocent. 
When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I don't own a gun. 
Now they've taken the first 
***
When we're free to love anyone we choose 
When this world's big enough for all different views 
When we all can worship from our own kind of pew 
Then we shall be free 
  -- Stephanie Davis & Garth Brooks 
***
Where Dogs Eat Dictionaries and Vomit Complete Sentences 
  -- The Foremen, "Black", _What's Left_ 
***
Who controls the past controls the future:  who controls the present 
controls the past. 
  -- George Orwell, "1984" 
***
You know what they say about paradigms 
  Shift Happens 
***
Morale is low. There is talk of mutiny. We dream of quitting and 
becoming lifeguards on 'Baywatch'. Death to the pointy-haired one. 
  -- Dilbert, 94.7.04 
***
I'd like to go where the pace of life's slow 
Could you beam me somewhere Mr. Scott? 
Any ol' place here on Earth or in space 
You pick the century and I'll pick the spot 
  -- Jimmy Buffet, "Boat Drinks", _Volcano_ 
***
...the exercise of the police power of the State shall never be so 
abridged or construed as to permit corporations to conduct their 
business in such manner as to infringe the rights of individuals 
or the general well-being of the State. 
  -- CA Constitution, 1879 
***
The life of a corporation is, indeed, less than that of the humblest 
citizen, and yet it envelopes great accumulations of property, moves 
and carries in large volume the business and enterprise of the people 
(New York 1890) PEOPLE V. NORTH RIVER SUGAR REFINING CORP., 24 N. E. 834 
***
The abstract idea of a corporation, the legal entity, the impalpable 
and intangible creation of human thought, is itself a fiction, and 
has been appropriately described as a figure of speech 
(New York 1890) PEOPLE V. NORTH RIVER SUGAR REFINING CORP., 24 N. E. 834 
***
The state permits in many ways an aggression of capital, but, mindful 
of the possible dangers to the people, overbalancing the benefits, 
keeps upon it a restraining hand, and maintains over it a prudent 
supervision, where such aggregation depends upon its permission and 
grows out of its corporate grants 
(New York 1890) PEOPLE V. NORTH RIVER SUGAR REFINING CORP., 24 N. E. 834 
***
the state, by the creation of the artificial persons constituting the 
elements of the combination and failing to limit and restrain their 
powers, becomes itself the responsible creator, the voluntary cause, 
of an aggregation of capital 
(New York 1890) PEOPLE V. NORTH RIVER SUGAR REFINING CORP., 24 N. E. 834 
***
Indeed, it is doubtful if free government can long exist in a 
country where such enormous amounts of money are...accumulated in 
the vaults of corporations, to be used at discretion in controlling 
the property and business of the country against the interest of 
the public and that of the people, for the personal gain and 
aggrandizement of a few individuals. 
(Nebraska) RICHARDSON V. BUHL, 43 N. W. Rep. 1102. 
***
All experience has shown that large accumulations of property in 
hands likely to keep it intact for a long period are dangerous to 
the public weal. 
(Georgia) RAILROAD CO. V. COLLINS, 40 GA 582. 
***
It has long been recognized, however, that the special status of 
corporations has placed them in a position to control vast amount 
of economic power which may, if not regulated, dominate not only 
the economy but also the very heart of our democracy, the 
electoral process... The State need not permit its own creation 
to consume it. 
Justices White, Brennan and Marshall, dissenting opinion, 
FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF BOSTON V. BELOTTI 435 US 765 (1978) 
***
...the blessing of potentially perpetual life and limited 
liability... so beneficial [sic--R.G.] in the economic sphere, 
poses special dangers in the political sphere. 
Chief Justice Rehnquist, dissenting opinion 
FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF BOSTON V. BELOTTI 435 US 765 (1978) 
***
Spamming is the scourge of electronic-mail and newsgroups on the 
Internet. It can seriously interfere with the operation of public services, 
to say nothing of the effect it may have on any individual's e-mail mail 
system. ... Spammers are, in effect, taking resources away from users 
and service suppliers without compensation and without authorization. 
  -- Vint Cerf, Senior Vice President, MCI 
     "Father of the Internet" 
***
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 
***
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 
***
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done 
and what you're going to do. 
***
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month 
than you did before. 
***
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. 
***
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 
***
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 
happen to you the rest of the day. 
***
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 
about themselves. 
***
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool 
about it. 
***
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the 
boss asks for a ride home from the office. 
***
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 
***
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 
***
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 
***
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 
***
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really 
good, you will get out of it. 
***
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 
***
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 
***
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 
number of pens that person is carrying. 
***
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 
***
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily be 
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 
***
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 
everything that goes wrong. 
***
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.  Your mouth is 
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' 
somebody else's dog around. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Never ask a man the size of his spread. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good that he started 
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The 
moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad 
judgment. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Always drink upstream from the herd. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then 
To make sure it's still there. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be 
suprised if they learn their lesson. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in 
The oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill 
it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, 
but otherwise ignore it. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown 
around by somebody else. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.  It's not so 
important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back 
in your pocket. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
A smart-ass just don't fit in a saddle. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
Never miss a good chance to shut up. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. 
  -- Texas Bix Bender, "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On" 
***
The last time we mixed politics & religion, people got burned at the stake. 
***
I'm sorry I missed church - I was busy practicing witchcraft & becoming a 
lesbian. 
***
Two wrongs are only the beginning... 
***
One does not thank logic. 
  -- Spock 
***
The greatest victory is to win without fighting. 
  -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War" 
***
Why be born again, when you can just *grow up*?!? 
***
Minds are like books - they only work when they're open. 
***
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety 
deserve neither liberty nor safety. 
  -- B. Franklin 
***
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few 
virtues. 
  -- A. Lincoln 
***
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be 
unpopular. 
  -- Adlai Stevenson 
***
The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the 
Christian religion. 
  -- G. Washington, 1796 
***
Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all 
subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat 
us. 
  -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 
***
My body's not a temple - it's an amusement park. 
***
A fine is a tax for breaking the law; 
a tax is a fine for obeying the law. 
***
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it 
holds the universe together. 
***
He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my 
contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the 
spinal cord would fully suffice. 
  -- Albert Einstein 
***
To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of 
your life you are the solution. 
***
A mind is a terrible thing to ... OOOOH a new video game! 
***
Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost 
any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and 
hand guns. 
  -- Mitch Ratcliffe 
***
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts -- for support 
rather than illumination. 
  -- Lang, Andrew (1844-1912) 
***
The things we fear most in organization - fluctuations, disturbances, 
imbalances - are the primary sources of creativity. 
  -- Margaret J. Wheatley - 
***
They were so strong in their beliefs that there came a time when it 
hardly mattered what exactly those beliefs were; they all fused into 
a single stubbornness. 
  -- Louise Erdrich 
***
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to 
smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 
  -- Mary Ellen Kelly 
***
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 
  -- Walter Bagehot 
***
We rest here while we can, but we hear the ocean calling in our dreams, 
And we know by the morning, the wind will fill our sails to test the seams, 
The calm is on the water and part of us would linger by the shore, 
For ships are safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for. 
  -- Michael Lille 
***
Do not stand at my grave and weep.  I am not there.  I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow.  I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush 
of quiet birds in circling flight.  I am the soft star that shines at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry.  I am not there.  I did not die. 
***
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of 
helicopters in it. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and 
compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent 
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is 
entertainment. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely 
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby 
emerging from her at that moment. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
A penny saved is worthless. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never 
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth 
is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the 
planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in 
the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, 
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, 
deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to 
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
People who want to share their religious views with you almost 
never want you to share yours with them. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
Nobody is normal. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human 
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, 
that word would be: meetings. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to 
annoy people who are not in them. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all 
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He 
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad 
hairstyle. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
You should not confuse your career with your life. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a 
nice person. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too 
seriously. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one 
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. 
Very often, that individual is crazy. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
Your friends love you anyway. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 
***
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing 
in the middle. 
***
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where some women go to dye. 
***
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 
***
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they 
are dead. 
***
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 
***
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 
***
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 
***
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 
***
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 
***
MYTH: A female moth. 
***
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all. 
***
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 
***
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 
***
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 
***
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 
***
TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labour saving devices. 
***
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. 
***
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. 
***
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 
***
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 
***
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 
***
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 
***
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 
***
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 
***
I intend to live forever - so far, so good 
***
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy 
***
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
***
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 
***
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States 
***
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of 
***
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 
***
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. 
***
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
***
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
***
When the rapture come, can I have your car? 
***
I do whatever the voices tell me to do. 
***
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous 
and give the wrong answers. 
  -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie 
***
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 
***
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, 
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The 
hypothalamus controls the Four F's: 1. fighting;  2. fleeing; 
3. feeding; and  4. mating. 
  -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course 
***
What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the 
unfit, to do the unnecessary. 
  -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 
***
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: Of 
all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them. 
***
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three 
thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the 
constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who 
continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. 
  -- Ransom K. Ferm 
***
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change. 
***
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench 
to pound in the correct screw. 
***
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it 
  cost?" 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries 
  with that?" 
***
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had 
years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, 
make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. 
  -- Dave Barry 
***
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian 
because I hate plants. 
  -- A. Whitney Brown 
***
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 
rearranging their prejudices. 
  -- William James 
***
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of 
tapes hurtling down the highway. 
  -- Andrew Tannenbaum 
***
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom 
that is in it - and stop there;  lest we be like the cat that 
sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot 
stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit 
down on a cold one anymore. 
  -- Mark Twain 
***
There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in 
the streets? 
  -- Dick Cavett 
***
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving 
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life 
without even considering if there are men on base. 
  -- Dave Barry 
***
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist 
seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick 
writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer 
from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering 
relatives at fancy dress balls. 
  -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland) 
***
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. 
***
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your 
triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion 
Chinese couldn't care less. 
***
668: The Neighbor of the Beast 
***
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather 
straps. 
  -- Emo Phillips 
***
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 
***
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a 
mistake when you make it again. 
  -- F. P. Jones 
***
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to 
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for 
their apparent disinclination to do so. 
  -- Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See" 
***
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not 
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying 
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. 
  -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney 
***
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, 
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the 
God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't 
believe?" 
  -- Quentin Crisp 
***
Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between 
two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the 
imaginary rights of another. 
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 
***
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick 
and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up 
in this country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not! 
But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! 
  -- Monty Python 
***
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 
  -- George Carlin 
***
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. 
***
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent 
revolution inevitable. 
  -- John F. Kennedy 
***
Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning 
of which I disapprove. 
  -- Ashleigh Brilliant 
***
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
  -- Ashleigh Brilliant 
***
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 
  -- Oscar Wilde 
***
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less 
confusing that way. 
***
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you 
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
  1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
  2. Advising the President. 
  3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 
  -- David Letterman 
***
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I 
predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile 
disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether 
I embrace your principles or your mistress." 
***
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow 
but phone calls taper off. 
  -- Johnny Carson 
***
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. 
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently 
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable 
language. 
  -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 
***
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when 
you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in 
what's left of your unit. 
  -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, 
  the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 
***
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but 
they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots 
in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front? 
***
On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor 
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To 
which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the 
lowest grade the University will allow me to award." 
***
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts 
avoiding you. 
  -- Old Farmer's Almanac 
***
G:   "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" 
EB:  "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air 
and scatter oneself over a wide area." 
  -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 
***
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. 
  -- Plutarch 
***
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. 
  -- Salvador Dali 
***
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to 
anyone, but they've always worked for me. 
  -- Hunter S. Thompson 
***
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. 
  -- Mark Twain 
***
Time's fun when you're having flies. 
  -- Kermit The Frog 
***
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone 
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 
one night." 
  -- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz] 
***
New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher 
than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher 
competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. 
You can not improve your competency level through training. 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not 
going to discuss it with the employees. 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is 
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject 
mentioned above" 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning 
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon 
enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until 
tomorrow to ask for it!" 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate 
the possibility of cancelling the fire insurance and buying a used 
fire truck for the employees to man. 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I 
see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that 
intelligence is not really required for this job." 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' 
say." 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was 
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I 
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then 
asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would 
be better for me." 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager. She 
recently had received control over another business line as well, 
which gave her a sense of power and grandeur. In the very first 
meeting with her she told the group "Stick with me! I am building an 
empire at this company, and I am going to need little people like 
you to be Kings and Queens!" 
  -- http://www.myboss.com/ 
***
Forget about world peace -- how about visualizing your turn signal 
***
I didn't fight my way up to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 
***
Lottery -- a tax on people who are bad at math 
***
We have enough youth.  How about a Fountain of Smart? 
***
So many stupid people, so few comets 
***
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it 
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, 
but at the very least you need a beer. 
  -- Frank Zappa 
***
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to 
keep your mouth shut. 
  -- Ernest Hemingway 
***
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has 
taken out of me. 
  -- Winston Churchill 
***
He was a wise man who invented beer. 
  -- Plato 
***
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. 
  -- Catherine Zandonella 
***
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank 
her. 
  -- W.C. Fields 
***
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. 
  -- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill 
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. 
  -- His reply 
***
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. 
  -- David Daye 
***
Work is the curse of the drinking class. 
  -- Oscar Wilde 
***
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 
  -- Henny Youngman 
***
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 
  -- Benjamin Franklin 
***
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it 
makes beer shoot out your nose. 
  -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy 
***
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is 
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the 
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. 
  -- Dave Barry 
***
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. 
  -- Humphrey Bogart 
***
People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just 
like the exercise they get running to the bathroom a lot. 
  -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI 
***
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. 
  -- Kaiser Welhelm 
***
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. 
  -- Homer Simpson 
***
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and 
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital 
ingredient in beer. 
  -- Dave Barry 
***
I drink to make other people interesting. 
  -- George Jean Nathan 
***
They who drink beer will think beer. 
  -- Washington Irving 
***
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with 
his fools. 
  -- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway 
***
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 
  -- Dean Martin 
***
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just 
do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. 
  -- Homer Simpson 
***
"Dear friends, you must realize that I am a drinker with a writing 
problem." 
 -- Brendan Behan, the Irish writer, responding to reporters 
    on his drinking habit's impact on his writing 
***
Sir, you are exceedingly Drunk. 
  -- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill 
And you, dear lady, are exceedingly ugly. 
But tomorrow, *I* will be sober. 
  -- His reply. 
***
AUTHOR  A writer with connections in the publishing industry. 
***
BOSS  A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to 
live in free societies. 
***
CHILDHOOD  The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest 
on a drug or weapons charge. 
***
DENIAL  How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist. 
***
EXPERIENCE  In the working world, something you can't get unless you've 
already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it. 
***
FITNESS  Salvation through perspiration. 
***
GOURMET  A food fetishist. 
***
HOOKER  A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for 
even less. 
***
IDEOLOGUE  Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by 
spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. 
***
JEANS  Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half 
being the zits. 
***
KLEPTOMANIAC  A thief with breeding. 
***
LABORATORY ANIMALS  Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. 
Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives 
so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo. 
***
MARTIAL ARTS  A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting 
largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to 
look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with 
a semi-automatic. 
***
NEIGHBORS  The strangers who live next door. 
***
ORGASM  The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their 
mates have a tendency to rush through the joke. 
***
PARASITE  A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, 
like a tapeworm or a biographer. 
***
QUAGMIRE  Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a 
guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman. 
***
REDNECK  Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when 
addressing one in person. 
***
SMILE  To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill 
toward a fellow human. 
***
TRAILER PARKS  Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast 
American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and 
tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill. 
***
UNWED MOTHER  One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, 
without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will. 
***
VOTING  The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as 
long as they do it alone. 
***
WHITE SUPREMACISTS  The most convincing argument against the theory of 
white racial superiority. 
***
X-RAY  A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and 
create new ones for future examinations to reveal. 
***
Y-CHROMOSOME  A line of defective genes designed for men only; the cause 
of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a 
disinclination to ask for directions when lost. 
***
ZOO  A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for 
depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their 
natural habitats. 
***
If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain 
silent? 
***
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
***
If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked? 
***
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 
***
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
***
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 
***
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered 
plants? 
***
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
***
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
***
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? 
***
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where 
the hell she is. 
  -- Ellen DeGeneres 
***
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the 
video camera and come help me. 
  -- Bobcat Goldthwait 
***
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. 
At least they can find Kuwait. 
  -- A. Whitney Brown 
***
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. 
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go 
to my sister's house and ask her for money. 
  -- Kevin Meaney 
***
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. 
  -- Michael McShane 
***
Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell is just 
having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses 
when they're eating sandwiches. 
  -- Jim Carrey 
***
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery.  Don't eat 
pork.  I'm sorry, what was that last one??  Don't eat pork. God 
has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to 
outsmart everybody? 
  -- Jon Stewart 
***
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the 
lake and threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim.  
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' 
  -- Paula Poundstone 
***
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly 
in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  
Do tall people burn slower? 
  -- Warren Hutcherson 
***
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the 
Republicans were running the country. 
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to 
stop your headache. 
  -- Jack Mayberry 
***
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock 
every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there 
picking the locks, they are always locking three. 
  -- Elayne Boosler 
***
I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out 
on myself. 
  -- Judy Tenuta 
***
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet 
soup? 
  -- John Mendoza 
***
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a 
second. 
  -- Steven Wright 
***
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should 
treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, 
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, 
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. 
  -- Bob Ettinger 
***
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal 
skills than men.   just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. 
  -- Conan O'Brien 
***
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and 
they would only play with each other. 
  -- Rita Rudner 
***
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. 
  -- Winston Spear 
***
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and 
the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a 
congressman. 
  -- Bruce Baum 
***
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. 
That's why you should never date a baseball player. 
  -- Marsha Warfield 
***
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to 
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That 
may be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from 
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. 
  -- Jeff Stilson 
***
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think 
that's how dogs spend their lives. 
  -- Sue Murphy 
***
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans 
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three 
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. 
  -- Rita Mae Brown 
***
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me 
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. 
  -- Ron Richards 
***
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up 
something else. 
  -- Lily Tomlin 
***
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say 
the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? 
  -- Rita Rudner 
***
I was raised by just my mom.  See, my father died when I was eight 
years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter. 
  -- Drew Carey 
***
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I 
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. 
  -- Yakov Smirnoff 
***
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. 
  -- Bill Maher 
***
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day. 
  -- Jay Mohr 
***
A women broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new 
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. 
  -- Christopher Case 
***
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty 
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all 
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get 
rid of the body before you do the wash. 
  -- Jerry Seinfeld 
***
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always 
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my 
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. 
  -- Ellen DeGeneres 
***
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of 
four people make up 75 percent of the population. 
  -- David Letterman 
***
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad 
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing. 
  -- Bob Saget 
***
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and 
Gomorrah an apology. 
  -- Jay Leno 
***
Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is 
still far away. 
  -- Billiam Coronell 
***
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me 
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should 
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' 
  -- Larry Miller 
***
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede 
jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. 
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. 
Now I'll have to kill you, too.' 
  -- Jake Johansen 
***
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't 
either. 
  -- Dick Cavett 
***
I have such poor vision I can date anybody. 
  -- Garry Shandling 
***
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. 
  -- Rita Rudner 
***
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 
  -- Lily Tomlin 
***
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a 
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that 
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon 
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers.  'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get 
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.  Back off. I've got the 
toe clippers right here.' 
  -- Jerry Seinfeld 
***
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through 
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow 
learner. 
  -- Lynda Montgomery 
***
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what 
to feed it. 
  -- Steven Wright 
***
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? 
  -- Marilyn Pittman 
***
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators 
would be dead. 
  -- Johnny Carson 
***
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay? 
  -- John Mendoza 
***
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold 
them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' 
  -- Bruce Baum 
***
If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
  -- Steven Wright 
***
I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I 
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. 
You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You 
know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little 
bit? 
  -- Garry Shandling 
***
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. 
  -- Paul Rodriguez 
***
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy 
farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning. 
  -- Richard Lewis 
***
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just 
by standing up really fast. 
  -- Johnathan Katz 
***
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but 
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? 
  -- Lily Tomlin 
***
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in 
the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? 
  -- Robin Williams 
***
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, 
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. 
  -- Jerry Seinfeld 
***
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New 
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just 
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' 
  -- Richard Jeni 
***
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid 
down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. 
  -- Steven Wright 
***
And always remember the last words of my grandfather who said, 
'A truck!' 
  -- Emo Phillips 
***
That wasn't an office. It was Hell with fluorescent lighting. 
***
You! Off my planet! 
***
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 
***
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 
***
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... 
***
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 
***
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 
***
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 
***
Earth is full. Go home. 
***
Meandering to a different drummer. 
***
I recently received your chain letter.  Over 1,000 people have 
sent me chain letters, and every one of them has died within six 
months, probably from the "Chain Letter Sender's Curse."  You 
will probably die soon if you experience any of the following 
symptoms:  1) Tiredness at bedtime, 2) Hunger just before lunch, 
3) Inability to remember your license plate number, or 4) Stupidity. 
  -- Dogbert's DNRC Newsletter 22.0 
***
You still lie under the thumb 
Of the rich and the young and the pretty 
  -- Mac McAnally, "The City", (from Jimmy Buffett's "Feeding Frenzy") 
***
Yes, I am a pirate, two hundred years too late 
The cannons don't thunder, there's nothin' to plunder 
I'm an over-forty victim of fate 
  -- Jimmy Buffett, "A Pirate Looks At 40" 
***
Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film. 
***
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. 
***
A day without sunshine is like, night. 
***
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. 
***
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
***
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
***
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 
***
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 
***
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
***
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 
***
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 
***
She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. 
***
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
***
Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
***
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 
***
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
***
He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 
***
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities 
in our air and water that are doing it. 
	 -- Vice President Dan Quayle 
***
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and 
democracy -- but that could change. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean 
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't 
live in this century. 
  -- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 
  (reported in Esquire, 8/92, The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102) 
***
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the 
United States! 
  -- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/2/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, 
and that one word is `to be prepared'. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Also reported by Reuters, 5/2/90 
***
Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a 
challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going 
forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- 
to the back! 
  -- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being 
very wasteful. How true that is. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the 
  United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
Take a breath, Al... Inhale. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore 
  during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92. 
***
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother 
and child. 
  -- Senator Dan Quayle, US News and World Report (10/10/88) 
***
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in 
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that 
is right here. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 

***
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the 20th anniversary 
  celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same 
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures 
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that 
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
The loss of life will be irreplaceable. 
  -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake, 
  10/19/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
Bobby Knight told me this: ``There is nothing that a good defense cannot 
beat a better offense.'' In other words a good offense wins. 
  -- Senator Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club of Chicago, 
  comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the 
  defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) 
***
Cross the river, then insult the crocodiles. 
***
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death. 
***
Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under. 
***
Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills. 
***
Door: What a cat is perpetually on the wrong side of. 
***
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. 
***
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 
***
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
***
Money can't buy happiness... 
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.. 
***
Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before. 
***
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3 
friends. If they're OK, you're it. 
***
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 
***
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 
***
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
***
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 
***
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 
appreciates how difficult it was. 
***
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel 
happy to be on your way. 
***
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on 
society. 
***
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you 
left them to where you can't find them. 
***
Law of Probability Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan will 
not be evenly distributed. 
***
I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. 
***
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 
***
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 
***
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 
***
If all is not lost, where is it? 
***
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 
***
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. 
***
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. 
***
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be. 
***
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 
***
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden 
stop at the end. 
***
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free 
trip round the sun. 
***
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 
***
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your 
seat belt. 
***
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 
***
A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
***
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 
***
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the 
better attorney. 
***
Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the 
back of a speeding bus.
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Aquarius
Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen 
hours a day
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Pisces
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those 
idiots at work say
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 
forty pound watermelon in your colon
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Aries
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey 
to Meryl Streep
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, 
cry about it?
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Taurus
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of 
stuff, and then go back to sleep
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your 
explosive flatulence
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Gemini
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls 
a javelin through your chest
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of 
the week face down in the mud
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Cancer
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while 
taking your driver's test
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple 
it to your boss's face, oh no
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Leo
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down 
with a gallon of strawberry Quik
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent 
 - except for you
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Virgo
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your 
head impaled on a stick
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone 
much more talented that you
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Libra
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when 
your appendix bursts next week
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming 
from an open window
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Scorpio
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, 
you stupid freak
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back 
 - KILL THEM
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Sagittarius
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've 
got hanging in your den
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, 
but you know they're lying
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
Capricorn
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never 
never never never leave my house again
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"
***
In The Movies: 
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it 
before long. 
***
In The Movies: 
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 
***
In The Movies: 
In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane 
of glass through the streets. Later, you will drive through it. 
***
In The Movies: 
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from 
international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require 
them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death 
as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames. 
***
In The Movies: 
The person you trust most at work and reveal all the details of the 
life-threatening situation to is the one who is trying to kill you. 
***
In The Movies: 
If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose 
the precise moment to leap out at you from inside a cupboard. 
***
In The Movies: 
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 
***
In The Movies: 
If there is a deranged killer on the loose this will also coincide with a 
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the 
vicinity. 
***
In The Movies: 
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the 
control tower to talk you down. 
***
In The Movies: 
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the 
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 
***
In The Movies: 
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not 
be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. 
***
In The Movies: 
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and 
wisecracks are your best weapons, and empower you to throw them off 
enough to incapacitate them and disarm their weapons. 
***
In The Movies: 
If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 
20th floor, you will be able to get to the street quicker than he can 
by running down the stairs. 
***
In The Movies: 
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert 
in Nuclear Fusion at age 22. 
***
In The Movies: 
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving 
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one 
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out 
their predecessors. 
***
In The Movies: 
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the 
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey. 
***
In The Movies: 
High class club dancers with a heart of gold can operate most 
heavy machinery. 
***
In The Movies: 
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a 
strip club at least once. 
***
In The Movies: 
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 
***
In The Movies: 
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a 
passing  St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 
***
In The Movies: 
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the 
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 
***
In The Movies: 
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. 
***
In The Movies: 
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone 
in the control tower to talk you down. 
***
In The Movies: 
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 
***
In The Movies: 
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. 
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can 
travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 
***
In The Movies: 
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not 
be necessary to speak the language. A bad German accent will do. 
***
In The Movies: 
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 
***
In The Movies: 
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating 
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 
***
In The Movies: 
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any 
strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 
***
In The Movies: 
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 
***
In The Movies: 
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or 
ending phone conversations. 
***
In The Movies: 
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the 
communication systems of any invading alien civilization. 
***
In The Movies: 
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight 
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack 
you one by one  by dancing around in a threatening manner until 
you have knocked out their predecessors. 
***
In The Movies: 
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to 
each other. 
***
In The Movies: 
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large 
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 
***
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 
***
The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. 
***
Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty 
Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. 
***
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. 
***
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. 
***
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. 
***
If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the 
horizon will be about three statute miles away. 
***
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. 
***
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. 
***
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. 
***
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
***
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." 
***
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two 
  Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present 
  and don't die throughout the movie. 
***
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only 
  the left hand. 
***
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. 
***
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs 
  into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly. 
***
Reindeer like to eat bananas. 
***
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. 
***
Twelve or more cows are known as a flink. 
***
A group of frogs is called an army. 
***
A group of rhinos is called a crash. 
***
A group of kangaroos is called a mob. 
***
A group of whales is called a pod. 
***
A group of geese is called a gaggle. 
***
A group of ravens is called a murder. 
***
A group of officers is called a mess. 
***
A group of larks is called an exaltation. 
***
A group of owls is called a parliament. 
***
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"Were you present when your picture was taken?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"Were you alone or by yourself?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"Did he kill you?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
"How many times have you committed suicide?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" 
A: "Yes." 
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q:  "She had three children, right?" 
A:  "Yes." 
Q:  "How many were boys?" 
A:  "None." 
Q:  "Were there any girls?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q:  "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" 
A:  "Yes." 
Q:  "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" 
A: "I went to Europe, Sir." 
Q: "And you took your new wife?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" 
A: "By  death." 
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Can you describe the individual?" 
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." 
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
    notice which I sent to your attorney?" 
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" 
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?" 
A: "Oral." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" 
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." 
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" 
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" 
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" 
A: "I have been since early childhood." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
    pulse?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for breathing?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began 
    the autopsy?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" 
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." 
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" 
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law 
    somewhere." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 
***
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. 
Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. 
She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy! 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of 
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of 
the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies 
giving milk will please come early. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put 
me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's 
Club.  All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with 
the Pastor in his study. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and 
lay an egg on the altar. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the 
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join 
in. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of 
the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will 
come forward and do so. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They 
can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Thursday night--Potluck supper.  Prayer and medication to follow. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m.  Steak, mashed potatoes, 
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 
Music will follow. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several 
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys 
sinning to join the choir. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is 
Hell?"   Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir 
will sing, "Break Forth With Joy." 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. 
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of 
hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the 
Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him.  After the service 
we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the 
Greens. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the 
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.  The congregation is invited to 
attend this tragedy. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing 
for the girth of their first child. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be 
recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign 
slogan last Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours." 
  -- Church Bulletin 
***
Q: What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brain? 
A: A widower 
***
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? 
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are 
disabled. 
***
Equality is a myth -- women are better! 
***
Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they 
think! 
***
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring 
and good-looking? 
A: Because those men already have boyfriends. 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Act naturally 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Found missing 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Resident alien 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Advanced BASIC 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Genuine imitation 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Airline Food 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Good grief 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Same difference 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Almost exactly 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Government organization 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Sanitary landfill 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Alone together 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Legally drunk 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Silent scream 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  British fashion 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Living dead 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Small crowd 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Business ethics 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Soft rock 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Butt Head 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Military Intelligence 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Software documentation 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  New York culture 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  New classic 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Sweet sorrow 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Childproof 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  "Now, then ..." 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Synthetic natural gas 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Passive aggression 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Taped live 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Clearly misunderstood 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Peace force 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Extinct Life 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Temporary tax increase 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Computer jock 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Plastic glasses 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Terribly pleased 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Computer security 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Political science 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Tight slacks 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Definite maybe 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Pretty ugly 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Twelve-ounce pound cake 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Diet ice cream 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Working vacation 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Exact estimate 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Religious tolerance 
***
Today's Oxymoron: 
  Microsoft Works 
***
If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work.  "Hello, can't 
work today. Still queer." 
	-- Robin Tyler 
***
My Aunt Lorraine said, "Bob, you're gay.  Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" 
I said, "No. I'm seeing a lieutenant in the Navy." 
	-- Bob Smith 
***
I don't even consider myself bisexual.  Frankly, I just think of myself as 
a "people person." 
	-- Michael Dane 
***
Labels can also be misleading.  I saw a news report about a lesbian protest 
march, and the reporter said, "Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration." 
My first thought was, "Cool.  I always wondered how those things work." 
	-- Michael Dane 
***
I know that some lesbians are getting pregnant by going to sperm banks.  I 
couldn't do that.  I'm exactly like my grandmother.  "What? Everything's 
frozen?!  Nothing's fresh?!" 
	-- Michael Dane 
***
I came out to a straight friend and told her that I'm a lesbian.  The first 
thing she said to me was: "Really? Do you know Jill McGee?  She's a lesbian 
in Philadelphia!"  Pardon me for laughing, but straight people are so funny! 
They think we all know each other!  Actually, I do know her.  But, hey, it's 
just a coincidence! 
	-- Karen Ripley 
***
I do not care whether they allow gays in the military or not, because the 
whole idea of the military strikes me as completely absurd.  I do not 
understand the desire to pick up a gun and go off and shoot strangers when 
there are so many loved ones I'd like to take a shot at first.  I'd have to 
reload several times to get every one on my particular hit list of love. 
	-- E.L. Greggory 
***
Yes, I was a teenage lesbian.  And while that may sound like a horror movie 
to some of you, for me I could subtitle that period of my life, "Adventures 
in Paradise," because there was one thing that we gay teenagers could do 
that our straight friends couldn't.  I could say, "Hey, Mom, Michelle's 
comin' over to spend the night Friday night, OK?"  "OK, Honey!" 
	-- Marilyn Pittman 
***
I do a lot of traveling as a comic.  I've traveled through the Bible Belt. 
"Belt" is too narrow a word, I think.  It should be "Bible cummerbund."  Or 
maybe "Bible Body Cast." 
	-- Sabrina Matthews 
***
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.  What 
must hell possibly be like?  Home videos of the same reunion? 
	-- Sabrina Matthews 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to floss my cat. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I've dedicated my life to linguini. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I want to spend more time with my blender. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  the President said he might drop in. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  the man on television told me to say tuned. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  it's my parakeet's bowling night. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm building a pig from a kit. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  there's a disturbance in the Force. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  My crayons all melted together. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm in training to be a household pest. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my patent is pending. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm sandblasting my oven. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm worried about my vertical hold. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm being deported. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  the grunion are running. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'll be looking for a parking space. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to fluff my shower cap. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my plot to take over the world is thickening. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to fulfill my potential. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  it's too close to the turn of the century. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my subconscious says no. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I left my body in my other clothes. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  the last time I went, I never came back. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  none of my socks match. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm having all my plants neutered. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My 
Refrigerator." 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm touring China with a wok band. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I never go out on days that end in "Y." 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named 
Basil Metabolism. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put 
it down. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm too old/young for that stuff. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have too much guilt. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  there are important world issues that need worrying about. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I feel a song coming on. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm trying to be less popular. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my bathroom tiles need grouting. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to bleach my hare. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  you know how we psychos are. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my favorite commercial is on TV. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to study for a blood test. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm going to be old someday. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I've been traded to Cincinnati. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm observing National Apathy Week. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to rotate my crops. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my uncle escaped again. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to go to court for kitty littering. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  having fun gives me prickly heat. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking 
for me. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to jog my memory. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my palm reader advised against it. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to stay home and see if I snore. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I prefer to remain an enigma. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I have to sit up with a sick ant. 
***
I'd Love To But... 
  I'm trying to cut down. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
1) Three words: Monday Night Football 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
2) You understand why The Three Stooges are funny. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
3) You know stuff about tanks. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
5) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
8) You can open all your own jars. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every 
    shot of somebody crying. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
13) All your orgasms are real. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the 
    boards). 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
17) Movie nudity is always female. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
19) Your last name stays put. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone 
    secretly hates you. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
22) You can kill your own food. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
23) The garage is all yours. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
27) You never have to clean a toilet. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still 
    be your friend. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
34) You don't have to shave below your neck. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
38) You can write your name in the snow. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
41) Chocolate is just another snack. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
44) Flowers fix everything. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about 
    what people will think. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
51) Foreplay is optional. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever 
    thinking "He must be mad at me". 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
60) The world is your urinal. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's 
    about to leave you. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
64) One mood, all the time 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's 
    just too skeevy. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
69) Same work...more pay! 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch 
    adjustment. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's 
    population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
79) ESPN's SportsCenter. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell 
    your other friends you've changed. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just 
    might become lifelong buddies. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in 
    the mood. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer 
    or throw it across the room. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice 
    anything different?" 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
99) Baywatch 
***
Reasons it's good to be a guy: 
100) There's always a game on somewhere. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
1) You have to take out the garbage. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
3) No sofas in your restrooms. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, 
   you're not allowed to cry. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
8) You have to wear ties. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
9) you can't flirt you way out of a jam. 
***
Reasons it's not good to be a guy: 
10) "Women and children first." 
***
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New 
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this? 
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat." 
***
Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: 
PLEASE REMOVE ALL  YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 
***
Sign in a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 
***
In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE 
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 
***
Outside a farm: 
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF 
***
In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND 
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 
***
On a church door: 
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.  (THIS DOOR 
IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.  PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) 
***
English sign in a German cafe: 
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING 
***
Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY 
NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 
***
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince 
of Wales: 
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED 
AFTER BEING OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW 
***
Outside a photographer's studio: 
OUT TO LUNCH:  IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO 
***
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: 
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. 
***
Outside a disco: 
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE WELCOME 
***
Sign warning of quicksand: 
QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.  BY 
ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL 
***
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: 
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE 
MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO 
THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER 
***
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: 
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS 
WILL BE  DISPOSED OF 
***
Sign on motorway garage: 
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT 
BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS 
***
Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 
***
Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 
***
Notice in a field: 
 THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE 
BULL CHARGES 
***
Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET 
LESSONS 
***
Sign on a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE 
BELL DOESN'T WORK) 
***
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW 
***
Sign in a Japanese hotel: 
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS 
***
Sign in Egyptian hotel: 
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM 
SERVICE!" 
***
Three things to be wary of:  a new kid in his prime,
A man with all the answers, and a code that runs first time
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Three things never trust at all:  the visitor's final bill,
The promises your boss makes, and the customer's good will
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Three things go in endless loops:  The exit code done wrong,
A semaphore untested, and the change that comes along
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Three things it is better that only you should know:
How much you're paid, the schedule pad, and what is just for show
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Three people never anger:  first the one who runs your deck,
The one who does your backups, and the one who writes your check.
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Three things are most perilous:  connectors that corrode,
Improvement algorithms, and self-modifying code
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Three things trust above all else:  your knowledge of your craft,
That someone made a profit, and that you will get the shaft.
  "Threes"  Rev 1.1 - Duane Elms / Leslie Fish
***
Remember:
 He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his 
 enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he 
 establishes a precedent that will reach to himself.
     -- Thomas Paine
***
 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little 
 temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
     -- Benjamin Franklin, _Historical_Review_of_Pennsylvania_, 1759.
***
 History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark. 
 --Lord Whorfin              
***
Freedom is the right to choose: the right to create for oneself the 
alternatives of choice.  Without the possibility of choice a man is not 
a man but a member, an instrument, a thing.
 -- Archibald Macleish
***
[So] long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 
who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 
and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 
and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
 -- Voltarine de Cleyre
***
First they came for the fourth amendment, But I said nothing since I 
wasn't a drug dealer.  Then they came for the sixth amendment, but I 
kept quiet since I knew I wasn't guilty.  Finally they came for the 
first amendment, and by then it was too late to say anything at all.
 --  Mark Eckenwiler
***
The tree of liberty must be watered periodically with the blood of 
tyrants and patriots alike.  It is its natural manure.
 -- Thomas Jefferson
***
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car 
keys to teenage boys.
 -- P.J. O'Rourke, _Parliament_of_Whores_
***
1935 will go down in history.  For the first time, a civilized nation 
has full gun registration.  Our streets will be safer, our police more 
efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future.
 --Adolf Hitler
***
Hence it happened that all the armed prophets conquered, all the 
unarmed perished.
 --Machiavelli, 'Il Principe.'
***
If I knew what you've made during the year, if I know what your 
withholding is, if I know what your spending pattern is, I should be 
able to generate for you a tax return. I am an excellent advocate of 
return-free filing. We know everything about you that we need to know. 
Your employer tells us everything about you that we need to know. Your 
activity records on your credit cards tell us everything about you that 
we need to know. Through interface with Social Security, with the DMV, 
with your banking institutions, we really have a lot of information...
We could literally file a return for you. This is the future we'd 
like to go to.
  - US Internal Revenue Service Document Processing System project
    manager, as reported by _Wired_, Dec. 1994, p. 174.
***
Laws do not persuade just because they threaten.
  - Seneca, 65 CE
***
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, 
hardworking, honest Americans.  It's the other lousy two percent that 
get all the publicity.  But then, we elected them.
  - Lily Tomlin
***
There is a First Amendment right to speak in a encrypted way... The 
right to speak P.G.P. is like the right to speak Navajo.  The 
Government has no particular right to prevent you from speaking in a 
technical manner even if it is inconvenient for them to understand.
  - Eben Moglen, Columbia U. professor of law and legal history, in a
    _New_York_Times_ article by John Markoff, Sep. 21, 1993
***
I hate the idea of causes, and if I had to choose between betraying my 
country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to 
betray my country.
  - E. M. Forster
***
Only in a police state is the job of a policeman easy.
 -- Orson Welles
***
In a Time/CNN poll of 1,000 Americans conducted last week by 
Yankelovich Partners, two-thirds said it was more important to protect 
the privacy of phone calls than to preserve the ability of police to 
conduct wiretaps.
 -- Philip Elmer-Dewitt "Who Should Keep the Keys"
    TIME Magazine, 04Mar94
***
We can't be so fixated on our desire
    to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ...
 -- Bill Clinton  (USA TODAY, 11 March 1993, page 2A)
***
Our society has embraced the bloodthirstiness of trial law like no 
other.  In a courtroom, one can reap the benefits of total war without 
the bloodshed.  You can destroy another's freedom, their ability to 
earn money, retain property, or keep their families.  A Court Order to 
have one's fields sown with salt doesn't seem that far fetched to me.
 -- Scott Ruggels
***
No dictator, no invader, can hold an imprisoned population by force of 
arms forever.  There is no greater power in the universe than the need 
for freedom.  Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies 
cannot stand.  The Century learned this lesson once.  We will teach it 
to them again.  Though it take a thousand years, we will be free.
 -- Citizen G'Kar
***
 Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
 -- Mark Twain
***
It is impossible to live pleasurably without living prudently,
honorably, and justly; or to live prudently, honorably, and justly,
without living pleasurably.
 -- Epicurus (B.C. 341-270)
***
Where's the church, who took the steeple? 
Religion's in the hands of some crazy-ass people 
Television preachers with bad hair and dimples 
The god's honest truth is it's not that simple 
 -- Jimmy Buffett, Amy Lee, "Fruitcakes"
***
It's the Buddhist in you, it's the Pagan in me 
It's the Muslim in him, she's Catholic ain't she? 
It's the born again look its the WASP and the Jew 
Tell me what's goin on, I ain't got a clue 
 -- Jimmy Buffett, Amy Lee, "Fruitcakes"
***
I treat my body like a temple 
You treat yours like a tent 
 -- Jimmy Buffett, Amy Lee, "Fruitcakes"
***
We're seven years from the millenium 
That's a science fiction fact 
Stanley Kubrick and his buddy HAL 
Now don't look that abstract 
 -- Jimmy Buffett, Amy Lee, "Fruitcakes"
***
So I make a small donation
What more can I do
You know I didn't make this world
I'm in it just like you
 -- Glenn Frey, Jack Tempchin, "I've Got Mine"
***
There's another kind of poverty
That only rich men know
A moral malnutrition
That starves their very souls
 -- Glenn Frey, Jack Tempchin, "I've Got Mine"
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  My stigmata's acting up.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not 
showing up for work. OK?
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know 
we have that deadline to meet...
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food 
Giant.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit 
disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be 
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking 
with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I 
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now 
contain false information.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even 
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am 
startled.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I prefer to remain an enigma.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must 
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart 
and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded 
by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. 
I insist on paying my fair share.
***
I Can't Come To Work Today Because...
  I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
***
By the end of the millenium five 
men controlled the world's media.
And the people rejoiced, 
because their TVs told them to.
  -- Michael Moore
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The most common name in the world in Mohamed.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  A snail can sleep for three years.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  All polar bears are left handed.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the 
child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Butterflies taste with their feet
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  China has more English speakers than the United States.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any
pants.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the 
length of a normal human's neck.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  No word in the English language rhymes with month.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton
growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as 
competition.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  The words racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to
right or right to left.
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (guess they miss more...)
***
Things You Really Don't Need To Know:
  You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.
***
Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader
who doesn't get it.
***
Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
***
Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very high.
***
Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.
***
Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously.
***
Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease.
***
Dopeler effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
***
Glibido:  All talk and no action.
***
Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
***
Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
***
Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
***
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
***
How about never? Is never good for you?
***
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
***
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
***
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
***
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
***
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
***
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
***
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
***
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
***
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
***
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
***
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
***
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
***
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
***
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
***
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
***
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
***
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
***
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
***
No, my powers can only be used for good.
***
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
***
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
***
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"  
   Park Information Staff: " 'Elk'"
   Tourist: "Oh."
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I
store it in my tent?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
9. Are there birds in Canada?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat?  ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
21. Are there phones in Banff?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
    Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom."
    Tourist: "Oh!"
  --Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists
***
Arbi-trator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's
   to work at McDonald's.
***
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
***
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
***
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
***
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
***
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate
***
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put
   together kitchen cabinets
***
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
***
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
***
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
***
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when
   his bag was full of loot
***
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
***
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians
***
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from
   the top of the Eiffel Tower.
***
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
***
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
***
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse
   from in front of the TV
***
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
***
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
***
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six
***
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
***
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one
   of those, like, submarines, man
***
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against
   a government official
***
 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July fifteenth.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
 memory at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of
 something that you've forgotten?
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
 which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
 when he woke that morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: And where was the location of the accident?
 A: Approximately milepost 499.
 Q: And where is milepost 499?
 A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
 A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
 A: After the accident?
 Q: Before the accident.
 A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to
 school for it.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
 A: We both do.
 Q: Voodoo?
 A: We do.
 Q: You do?
 A: Yes, voodoo.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
 Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were
 your red and blue lights flashing?
 A: Yes.
 Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out
 of her car?
 A: Yes, sir.
 Q: What did she say?
 A: What disco am I at?
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 
***
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
***
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: 
"Don't sleep with a drip; call your plumber."
***
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
***
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
***
At A Dry Cleaner's:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, 
close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
***
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
***
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
***
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
***
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take 
appropriate action."
***
At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
***
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
***
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
***
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
***
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
***
At a car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
***
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
***
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
***
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
***
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "
***
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill payment.  However, 
if you don't you will be."
***
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
***
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." 
***
When it appears that you have killed the monster, 
NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language 
which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will 
save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will 
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This 
also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it 
alone.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would 
apply to any other house of the dead as well.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and 
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for 
short circuits; just get out]
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a 
good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure 
you know what you're doing.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down 
at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are 
running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still 
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic 
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, 
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which 
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog 
(you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda 
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not 
go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If 
you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full 
tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and 
most likely be eaten.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is 
the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses 
that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some 
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic 
practices in your house.
  -- Rules For A Safe Halloween
***
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
***
The secret of the universe is #@*%! NO CARRIER
***
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
***
Error, no keyboard-press F1 to continue.
***
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
***
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
***
Double your drive space-delete Windows!
***
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
***
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
***
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking?
***
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
***
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
***
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
***
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
***
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
***
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
***
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
***
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
***
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
***
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
***
Captain! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
***
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
***
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
***
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
***
'Calm down-it's only ones and zeros.'
***
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
***
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
***
It said, 'Insert disk #3,' but only two will fit!
***
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
***
Computers are only human.
***
This time it will surely run.
***
I just found the last bug.
***
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.
***
It's redundant! It's redundant!
***
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. 
***
The programmer's National Anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' 
***
'Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE'
***
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
***
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
***
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
***
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
*