Weird Al's Horoscopes

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Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the 
back of a speeding bus.
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Aquarius
Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen 
hours a day
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Pisces
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those 
idiots at work say
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 
forty pound watermelon in your colon
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Aries
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey 
to Meryl Streep
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, 
cry about it?
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Taurus
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of 
stuff, and then go back to sleep
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your 
explosive flatulence
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Gemini
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls 
a javelin through your chest
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of 
the week face down in the mud
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Cancer
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while 
taking your driver's test
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple 
it to your boss's face, oh no
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Leo
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down 
with a gallon of strawberry Quik
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent 
 - except for you
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Virgo
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your 
head impaled on a stick
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone 
much more talented that you
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Libra
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when 
your appendix bursts next week
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming 
from an open window
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Scorpio
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, 
you stupid freak
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back 
 - KILL THEM
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Sagittarius
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've 
got hanging in your den
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, 
but you know they're lying
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Capricorn
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never 
never never never leave my house again
  -- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

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