Courtroom Humor

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"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"Were you present when your picture was taken?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"Were you alone or by yourself?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"Did he kill you?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

"How many times have you committed suicide?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" 
A: "Yes." 
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q:  "She had three children, right?" 
A:  "Yes." 
Q:  "How many were boys?" 
A:  "None." 
Q:  "Were there any girls?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q:  "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" 
A:  "Yes." 
Q:  "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" 
A: "I went to Europe, Sir." 
Q: "And you took your new wife?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" 
A: "By  death." 
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Can you describe the individual?" 
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." 
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
    notice which I sent to your attorney?" 
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" 
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?" 
A: "Oral." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" 
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." 
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" 
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" 
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" 
A: "I have been since early childhood." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
    pulse?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for breathing?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began 
    the autopsy?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" 
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." 
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" 
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law 
    somewhere." 
  -- Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal 

 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July fifteenth.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
 memory at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of
 something that you've forgotten?
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
 which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
 when he woke that morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: And where was the location of the accident?
 A: Approximately milepost 499.
 Q: And where is milepost 499?
 A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
 A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
 A: After the accident?
 Q: Before the accident.
 A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to
 school for it.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
 A: We both do.
 Q: Voodoo?
 A: We do.
 Q: You do?
 A: Yes, voodoo.
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

 Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were
 your red and blue lights flashing?
 A: Yes.
 Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out
 of her car?
 A: Yes, sir.
 Q: What did she say?
 A: What disco am I at?
  -- "Disorder In The Court" 

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