Dave Barry's "25 Things I've Learned In 50 Years"

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The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of 
helicopters in it. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and 
compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent 
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is 
entertainment. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely 
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby 
emerging from her at that moment. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

A penny saved is worthless. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never 
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth 
is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the 
planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in 
the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, 
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, 
deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to 
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

People who want to share their religious views with you almost 
never want you to share yours with them. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

Nobody is normal. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human 
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, 
that word would be: meetings. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to 
annoy people who are not in them. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all 
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He 
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad 
hairstyle. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

You should not confuse your career with your life. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a 
nice person. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too 
seriously. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one 
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. 
Very often, that individual is crazy. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

Your friends love you anyway. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
  -- Dave Berry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years" 

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